i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.