Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
