I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".