Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?