I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?