I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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