Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Are my feet made of real feet?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.