I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.