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Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
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