can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.