Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.