Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
