I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'