The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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