Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.