im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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