Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
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I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?