just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick