I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
