I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10