My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Loading more great texts...