so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.