just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high