Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
