It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?