pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's blow job season.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
