we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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