Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me