While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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