sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...