Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
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i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
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is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....