Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....