He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?