I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
