Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
