I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
