I wish my penis had an off switch
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have post one night stand depression
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