Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
