I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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