Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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