I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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