I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
