now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
