Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
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