There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
