I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
