I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
