you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
