He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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