i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he thought i was a dude.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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