So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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