If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
