It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
