Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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